It wasn't really what I had planned at all for myself. I had always thought that I was going to be married and was going to start a family at a semi young age. It's been one of my deepest desires since I was a little girl. I have been on that search for Mr. Right since I was 13 years old. Years of heartbreak led me to believe that true love was only a dream. Truth is that dream came true but it wasn't what God had planned for me. A nightmare as a marriage filled with drugs and physically abuse doesn't ever last or end well. I will mention more of my testimony and story in time. The search continued to find that man; this time a sober and Godly one. Well, after being sober a year and finding a Godly man; I thought I finally had it all. Engaged to be married again and after a 6 month missionary trip in Australia...I came back and God spoke to me! He spoke to me loud and clear and this time I couldn't avoid it or ignore it anymore. God told me to lay down my rights to my relationship and my future marriage. "You want me to do what?" I honestly didn't want to. It didn't take long for me to feel and see that things were different with the relationship. Finally God said to me, "When are you going to listen to me Krystle?". Listen to what? I tend to play dumb with God sometimes. I knew what he was talking about and that was the one thing holding me back from surrendering my all! Now many who know me can attest as they have watch me throughout the years going through hell and back out of a crazy drug addiction that I can be a very stubborn person. I was being stubborn but I was also very scared. Scared to be alone...that is.
That's when I realized I have never been without a boyfriend since I started dating with the expectancy to find the ONE who would love me forever and live happily ever after. I was so desperate to find that person that I would do anything to keep them. I would change my identity morphing into whatever they were. I would use sex to try and get love and get that temporary fix but it didn't take long for me to feel empty again. Because of this life I lived I felt dirty and imperfect and like a failure. But the cycle continued for a temporary fix of comfort that I would hunger for more and more of it.
So now back to the present...I didn't realize how much I still long for that constant comfort of a man. My relationship with God was better that it has ever been since I recommitted my life back to Christ July 28th 2012. But still something just felt heavy, wrong, and like something was missing. I finally decided to lay down that relationship to God. After I did that I was kind of hoping that it was one of those times where I surrender...lay it down...and the God says you can have it back. Not this time... This time God said let go completely! WHAT?! But...but...that means I will be alone. That was painful to swallow.
I finally am just starting to understood while God was telling me to let go...I am not alone at all! I have an almighty God...my Creator...my Father that is jealous for me and is with me everywhere I go! But truth is I haven't made him my God in my relationships with guys. Those guys end up becoming my God/idol! God knew that I wasn't ready to get married. He know that I am still healing from the past. He knows what is in the depths of my heart. He knows me better than I know myself. He loves me more than anyone could love me. He's never loved me any less or tried to change who I am. Truth is I have never known who I am without a guy by my side. I've honestly lost the understanding of what the words I love you mean. It breaks my heart that I abused love and sex for what God intended it to be for. I had asked God to restore that part of me that is desensitized to it a long time ago but I never gave God the chance to actually do the work. I realized that laying that relationship down was the best thing I could do. But God wasn't done with me yet...in fact I'm sure I know he still isn't but I don't want to jinx it again. On New Year's Eve this past year I had found out one of my close friends had gotten engaged. It was hard to hear because of what I had just done with breaking not only my engagement but also my relationship. I just love how all of a sudden now all of my friends are now getting engaged and having babies. No seriously I am really happy for everyone! But seriously what next God? I advise to be careful what you pray from and ask for because God will answer it. That night God had told told me no dating for at least a year! A YEAR?! ME?! NO DATING?! Yes, all of you who know me probably laugh and think that yes that's a long time and seems impossible for me! I decided to watch what I said after that.
So this brings me to where I am now...I have chosen to not date at all for at least a year...maybe more. It's a choice! Yes God is telling me to do something and I am being obedient because I know God wants to do so much in me and through me this next year! I have a couple of great jobs as I am blessed to work in full time ministry at Loved-Ones Against Meth Ministries. I know there's much growth that God wants to do through that. I am involved in so much right now! But the most important thing I am doing is falling in love...with God! I want to not just say it but mean it when I say one day...that...he is my EVERYTHING! I want to know what his love is all about and to be able to believe in love again!
I felt God lead me to start writing this blog to be able to humbly share my testimony and journey with others and hopefully be able to speak truth into others lives! I want to be a light to women and youth women!
Signing off...this little bird has to fly away but will return shortly with more stories of my journey! Have a blessed day!
write more! I am excited to read more about your adventures in non dating...I'm curious about the dark side...you know you promised me cookies and such <3
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